L.A. 2001: Journals, Post #3

March 8, 2001: “In life, there are no perfect affections. Estrangements among the living reek of unfinished business.” – James Merrill, poet. (1979)

I love that line – it’s from an interview Merrill gave that was folded into a book review I read today. Two perfect sentences, succinct and honest;it attests to great eloquence I’d love to be able to articulate a universal truth that smartly. Merrill was 52 or 53 when he said that.

March 11, 2001: I’m on a break at work. I have given up, 200 pages in, on A Prayer for Owen Meany by John Irving. I’m now reading a different book for research on a project I’m doing. The book is Freud: His Dream and Sex Theories. It was first published as ‘The House That Freud Built.’ The edition I’m reading is 53 years old. I got it for 35 cents on Hollywood Blvd.

March 12, 2001: Writing and thinking about my two passions today. My first passion is my intimate daily life as a man with his soul mate. I’ve had 10 years of life experience in less than 2 years with Bebbles, a life full of challenges, compromise, dreams and contentment that can be transcendentally comforting and spiritual. I’m also a son, frend, brother, cousin, buddy and acquaintance to many and my life is huge. My second passion is my career even when I’m not working at what I inherently know how to do. I trained for it and I’ve done it. I’m growing and being honest, flattering or not.

Got carded today buying beer by an Ethiopian liquor store owner who thought I was Hollywood Vice. I had no ID on me and her struggle with herself in wondering if she should ring up my purchase was palpable. You could see her debating whether $10 was worth me potentially flashing a police badge in her face and her losing her livelihood. She rung it up finally. I appreciated her selling beer to my 31-year old ass.

March 17, 2001: I liked this passage from Freud: His Dream and Sex Theories by Joseph Jastrow: “Libido in creative ability remains closer to the sex-motive and its radiations. Poetry, drama, romance and chivalry are sublimated products of libido and would have no existence in a libido-less world. The affective element of attachment, devotion and loyalty, derived from sex desire and its passionate intensity, when thus redirected, is responsible for relations in every field of human activity, and for the personal and cultural products of ‘psyche’.”
March 18, 2001: Submitting for The Scorpion King , the Mummy spinoff with The Rock. I keep the submissions going. Someone will call me in before a decade is up, ya think? A book I read suggests that when an endeavor has become mundane and depressive, the only way to be motivated is to do the task as if it were a gift, something extra, an act of love. Not easy but you have to stay strong and roll with the ups and downs of business.

L.A. 2001: Journals, Post #2

February 6, 2001: I finished producer Lynda Obst’s ‘Hello, He Lied’ and I think she’s exceedingly intelligent and sticks to her points. It’s a book that has been out for five years and it could have been written yesterday.

February 12, 2001: Already it’s a year of A-list shakeups: Garth Ancier gone from NBC; Mike De Luca out at New Line; Kevin Misher is leaving Universal to do a Joe Roth; New Line let go 100 people; Richard Donner and Lauren Shuler Donner lost their production deal at Warner Brothers. Tom and Nicole are divorcing. It’s been quite eventful.

I’m submitting almost exclusively to film and TV personnel. What my agency is doing is beyond me. I don’t worry about it. None of this shit is personal. I’ve got to make it happen myself. Bebbles told me I’d make a good lawyer because of my propensity for facts and data. I was flattered.

February 19, 2001: No one taking off President’s Day in this strike-mentality market. I’m reading ‘The Art of Acting’ from 1949. There are some great points in it that remind actors about tradition and performance aspects. I’m way overdue to read more of the theoretical books since I’m 80% focused on the business side. I don’t need acting classes but I do need to be reminded. Covering all of the business ends doesn’t let me enjoy the more satisfying and aesthetic aspects of theory and history. Everyone ‘acts’: children, adults. People act to communicate or underscore emotion. It’s about elevating the ordinary into the extraordinary as a vocation. That’s what I can harness and bring to the table.

February 20, 2001: Just read a January ’01 back issue of The Hollywood Reporter. ‘Blade II: Bloodhunt’ is in production. It’s funny, I’ve tried for almost four years to get an interview for that movie, even for one sentence, and there are just no haps.

1/5 of my submissions lately are coming back with the stamp that the production companies/ casting directors are no longer at their addresses. It’s the reality of pre-strike Hollywood and none of my leads are old.

L.A. 2001: Journals, Post #1

January 1, 2001: A chilly and pretty New Year’s. Two hour minimum wait for a cab. Excited by the future. I’ve learned that unless it’s of immediate importance, most things don’t require second-guessing. God handles the rest.

A new year begins for further navigations in Hollywood. Last year was hard; I didn’t even break even, career-wise. I won’t accept another one like it. As far as the strikes are concerned, I survived last year’s and have no fears about this year’s expected strikes. Personally, I believe the strikes are unavoidable if the studios and producers don’t restructure the pay scales. I’ll proceed in my work submissions and the strikes will happen or not. A literary agent said that no pre-production listings in the trades, as recent as last month, will be shooting prior to the strike. I can’t live in pre-strike hysteria. I learned about staying the course and how to adapt. You hold on, even if the rope is made of every spare bit of spit and cobwebs you can twist together.

January 5, 2001: Saw Requiem for a Dream in Beverly Hills. There were some people behind me in the theater, an older group, who were friends of Ellen Burstyn. They were so excited to see the movie and see her performance, which is fearless. They were eating popcorn and Toblerone until the last third of the movie. By the time the close-ups of abcessed arms and Ellen’s film breakdown happened, they all walked out of the theater in horror. They couldn’t take it. I got home and wrote her a fan letter. She’s 67 years old and still a great artist.

January 28, 2001: Michael De Luca was let go from his production presidency job at New Line. Harsh. All I could think of was his cover story in ‘Fade In’ magazine two months ago. The tag was ‘Executive on Top’. In that profile he said that there were “seven people between me and the street” as far as the average industry-ite getting his attention. Is that too many people? It’s jacked up when anyone is fired, but he’ll be fine. Ditto Garth Ancier, gone from NBC last month.

January 30, 2001: Corporate culture is so cynical in Hollywood now and the bottom-line is just being grasped at. You’d think that the bottom line would be: good workers + talent + quality product = more money and less chaos for everyone. The studios are taking the stance that all of the money Hollywood product makes in today’s media conglomerations only contributes 3-5% of gross annual profits to a company, say, like Vivendi.

This is the New Hollywood.

The older, more complacent people in the middle of this business who’ve long ago given up their creative capacities will see their careers finalized if there's a strike. Strikes are like red tides and as usually happens, the strike will clean house. In the Industry, if you misread what the public wants you will quickly find out that audiences want entertainment, not the conservative hard-sell of mission statements and crying broke. Already a lot of smaller production companies are shutting down. Submissions to addresses that were current a week ago are coming back in the mail with no new forwarding addresses.

I know for myself that it's not easy feeling like you’re being benched in the business. My being an unknown means submitting constantly for projects and interviews: a mechanical, laborious process. It’s solitary. Months can pass. I’m one of these men who is becoming more autonomous and enriched in other ways in the process. It’s hard at times but this is my calling, whether I work or not. I’ll find my way. I’m unconventional but I don’t take it over the edge. I want to work. I have humor, charisma and smarts; that’s my path.

January 31, 2001: Reading Lynda Obst’s Hello, He Lied, which is as good as ‘The Club Rules’ in being a primer on how suits think and behave. She is direct and it’s calming my emotions with this business. I agree with her key points of survival. When I think of what I’m trying to do in the business, I’m not trying to reinvent the wheel. I grew up on ‘70s cinema and ‘80s event movies. I read books like this one and see that I’m right about a lot of things in relation to staying on top of the industry and trends. The book is a chill pill and well-needed perspective.

L.A. 2000: Journals - Post #14

November 21, 2000: Watched the last part of the Supreme Court oral arguments over the Presidential election recount. This election could be argued forever and the bottom line is that hundreds of millions of dollars are at stake with each side having to go to the wire. There was avoidance of questions and what often seemed to be protocol being made up on the fly. It’s a battle of legal interpretation and semantics. It’s the first TV coverage of it that I’ve watched in days.

November 26, 2000: During Thanksgiving dinner the phone rang at home. Bebbles’ brother-in-law, a father of four, including a newborn, shot himself in the head.

December 10, 2000: Mom coming to L.A. this week for a vacation. Thursday we’ll go to Universal Studios and on Friday Bebbles, Mom and I are going to Las Vegas for a stay at Caesar’s Palace. I’m grateful and I give all thanks to God for the space of fun and freedom for myself and my loved ones. Time off has been rare.

December 19, 2000: I’m not bleaching my hair for a year. I didn’t have to adjust to it and there were a lot of factors involved. Mom and I argued about it for a spell in Vegas and she said my face is more refined now at 31 and that dark hair would compliment me more, especially since I’ve lost 40 pounds. She said she’d pay for me to go back dark and I’d make 1000 times what the cost would be.

It’s the most faith I’ve ever heard her put into my career in Hollywood. She’s always believed in me but her talking to me and saying so was a major factor. Going darker won’t open any doors faster but when they do open I won’t be upstaged by my hair. Tomorrow I go to my agency and end our association. It’s not working. I haven’t seen them since September.

December 20, 2000: Went to my agency today, unannounced, knowing there’d be no problem getting in. I walked right into my agent’s office where she was on the phone. “Oh my God! You’ve lost a hundred pounds! You look terrific!” she said. I waited a beat and asked, “Would you like me to wait in the hallway?”
“No, I would not!” she said and ended her call with the line, ‘I’m working,’ to her caller. She asked me to go with her to see another agent and they both exclaimed and made small talk over me. Within 10 minutes, the phone rang and they handed it to me. It was a casting director offering me work on ‘The Fight Song’ video with Marilyn Manson. I’d submitted to his team a while back for his ‘Holy Wood’ project at New Line and that never went anywhere.

The video treatment is a spin on the Columbine tragedy, a kind of jocks vs. punks football theme. I turned down the video shoot. There were several reasons for me doing that, which I left unspoken to the casting director. It’s a night shoot at a high school football field in the Valley. The shoot is expected to go at least 11 hours - that's on paper. In reality, it’s shooting close to Christmas- I heard Christmas Eve come up- and I don’t know if I’m feeling a night shoot with a band that makes no secret of open drug use because I know that those 11 hours could turn into 18 hours. I’m not at a pay rate where that’d be a lot of fun for me just sitting there for 2/3 of a night and day. I’m around that rocker-coke vibe all the time at my day job and it's difficult when it comes to working and getting things done on time. I’d like to just enjoy Christmas Eve with Bebbles.

The casting director knew it was short notice and offered me a chance to reconsider and talk to him this Friday, on the 22nd. I said thank you for the consideration and we hung up. My agent said, “You are skinny! I love this look! Do you have any more pictures? I need something I can send right now.”
“Our agreement expired in September,” I said.
“Well, let’s start another one today. Another year?”

December 25, 2000: Christmas Day with Bebbles. Pork roast, dressing and margaritas. Career matters resume in January 2001.

L.A. 2000: Journals - Post #13

November 11-18, 2000:
I got a response for a play called The Soul Train. It opens in February 2001 at the Stella Adler Theater in Hollywood. The producer, Gwendolyn Bowser, called me today for an audition. I’m excited about theater; I have no investment in on-camera acting since my involvement has been carrying out blocking and technical, physical instructions- any actual acting is minimal. I’ve been background and I’ve done that. A producer I’ve worked for twice told me today, “You are so sharp and brilliant that if you never acted another day in your life you could make your living as a writer, with your words.” I appreciated that! It was a huge vote of confidence. I am starved for creative collaboration that doesn’t stall in the pipeline.

One of my older, former co-actors from Chicago is playing one of O.J. Simpson’s ‘Dream Team’ in the tv movie American Tragedy. You couldn’t pay me to watch that whole tasteless BS. A lot of the Chicago actors who are in their 40s now that I grew up around have kind of fallen off. One of them was in a tv movie the other night. I remember him breaking contract to film an industrial. Slim pickings! American Tragedy's first installment came in last place on Sunday night- 12.5 million viewers. I can’t believe anyone wanted to rehash that insanity. The casting was stellar: Christopher Plummer, Ving Rhames and Ron Silver. The script was by Norman Mailer.

Auditioned for The Soul Train at Theater Unlimited Studios. It was a morning audition on Camarillo St. in the Valley. When I got there the director, Tony Burton, was bringing in an armful of pastries for the audition. I held the door for him and correctly assumed he was the director. He had short, close-cut hair and the vaguely stern look of a humorless warehouse supervisor. I was met inside by Gwen Bowser, very pretty and like a Debbi Morgan type. She was very together and introduced herself brightly and right away.

By 9:40 a.m. we actors had our sides. I was reading for Terry, the ruffneck thug. There were 2 other guys reading for Terry. One went halfway down the alley to practice his lines and the other was an actor named Marco. Marco had a cool ‘70s vibe and a strong Everyman type. He has a nice smile and wore a blue skullcap. He could be a retro ruffneck. We were talking about the lack of interviews lately and I had him laughing. He said I’d get cast as Terry, “That’s a great look, you look like the character…more than I do. Not everybody has the amount of confidence you have.” I told him I thought he’d get the part. I told him I looked at the audition as them wanting to see if I can act at all, which made him laugh.

I got called in to read with a scene partner who was about ten years older than me and she was in rehearsal clothes. We did two pages. I didn’t think we had chemistry at all. I was way overdressed compared to her and that was just me in black jeans and hiking boots. And a Gucci belt, but that’s just because I’m a 35 waist and can actually wear one now. I did my best with the audition. I said goodbye to my scene partner and Marco then I left. It was good to keep my audition legs going. I saw the audition through, it was a beautiful day outside and I don’t care if I get the play or not.

Industry Notes, Take 8: Year 2000

October 17, 2000: Front page news today was that Amy Pascal at Columbia stopped production on Will Smith’s Ali movie. In the account I read, the writer said that the project being put into turnaround was “embarrassing.” The reason cited had to do with director Michael Mann’s projected $110 million budget and Columbia’s doubts that he’d adhere to it. It’s the most high-profile turnaround story in a while because it happens to involve an A-list actor who is presumed to be getting $20 million and 20% of the back end after the first domestic $100 million gross, according to the report. I feel for Will Smith because he’s invested months of his life into the project and it had to be a disappointment but it’s not like the project is dead. It will be revived. No one is going to let that project languish, trust me.

October 25, 2000: The SAG strike has ended after 5 months. SAG won a 9% increase for actors, overall, in commercials. I’m glad it’s over. Who knows how much money has been lost on the actors' side?I don’t know what effect it had on my career besides my agency struggling to keep commissions coming in and taking every morsel of heat off of upstarts to focus on sure things. I never expected to be a recipient of my agency’s hard sell when they were frantically trying to pay bills. Risk-aversion is the rule, not the exception. You just hope that creative thinking and a less rote aesthetic will get you circulated.

The only things I’ve been submitted for are "Stray Dawgz" and “Blade 2: Bloodhunt.” Both are due to start next month. This business is like being a chameleon and losing a part of your tail under indiscriminate shoes: I'll start again and regrow my tail for the umpteenth time. I feel better about things overall because I have an acute grasp of this business and this market. It’s just a matter of time until my efforts secure me an interview with another like-minded person in this community. I’m focused on artists and visionaries in the city and not everything frustrating about my career. One thing I’m doing is not reading every article and blurb that are only spin and bullshit. Maybe 40% of a magazine issue is readable once you extract the b.s.

One of the assistants at my day job had a meeting with a film producer doing research today for a Paul Thomas Anderson project. She had an 8:15 a.m. meeting with the producer in our corporate courtyard. The assistant said the project is in the vein of ‘Boogie Nights’ and that she mentioned me. I researched the project through New Line when I got home and this particular PTA project wasn’t on their current schedule. The New Line assistant gave me PTA’s agent's info. From there I got PTA's agent's assistant who was potentially brittle but helpful (“Send him a letter.”). I thanked the assistant and wrote my letter since I could be of help with the research too. It’s easy to connect the dots plus the personnel and attend to business properly. I didn’t leave it up to my agency.

Industry Notes, Take 7: Year 2000

October 2000: A lot of uncertainty in Hollywood right now: a lot of fear…some of it justified, some not. There’s the SAG strike against the advertisers; people wondering if they’ll still be able to make a livelihood in this business and the impending 2001 SAG and WGA negotiations, respectively.

It’s harder to be an unknown in the industry, that’s for sure – not that there’s any reason to give up. It has always been a feat to become established or entrenched successfully in this line of work but Hollywood changes constantly between old school and the new school of business.

There’s a lot of decisions talent has to make, as well as the buyers, that require commitment and time and you can never know how it’ll work. For actors, do you target casting directors for six months or agents? Producers or directors? Projects in progress or projects in development that may never be? You could never mail out to every person in town who could make a progressive move.

There’s resistance to new talent sometimes and I think it’s as simple as a generation gap: a reflexive distrust on the youth side and the established players side. A segment of the old-school veterans here feel the younger set are less discreet, more apathetic and more ignorant of film/entertainment history, period. There has to be, I imagine, some point where you get to prove or disprove those notions to the industry establishment but it seems interminable.

The younger set, younger than my age (31), know that a lot of people are blowing them off already and those kids aren’t as hung up on stuff that the middle age is, so their youth seems vacuous. The bottom line that cuts through it all is longevity. Those who are made to last will last. Talent will always work, regardless of the – ‘isms’.The budgets change, the projects change, the attention changes but it still comes down to the work. If you want it, you’ll find it and not compare yourself with anyone else’s career path because you can always work somewhere in this world.

That’s my take on it even though often it’s hard imagining what to write in this journal when sometimes the only thing I can write about is that I’m not working in the business. On the one hand you’re living in the middle of all the business production going on but yet are still so far outside of the system that any interviews would seem miraculous. It’s not a hopeless picture but my above take on Hollywood is genuine. You work and you don’t. I’ve been in and out, in some respect or aspect of this industry, since I was a teenager. When I haven’t been in it hasn’t been for lack of preparedness or work. I have my moments where it feels like pushing something without wheels across a street.

Michael Moriarty wrote an op-ed piece in the Commentary section of Monday’s L.A. times (October 16th). His commentary was about Gore and Bush both being Marxist toward the entertainment industry . He feels that ultimately the business will be regulated and legislated to the point where it’ll be like Cold War-era Russia’s entertainment as socialist propaganda.

It was a scathing piece and I hand him his passion but he certainly gave the government too much power. The President makes $200,000-plus per year. People know what Spielberg or someone in his age range who is successful in entertainment makes. Power, imagination and influence captures public imagination than power and politics alone. It would be ludicrous for the government to wage war on such a globally influential industry. I don’t see it ever happening here.

The recent controversy in D.C. over Hollywood marketing violent material to kids and the R-rating controvery were not huge issues to anyone except pandering politicos and the people who had to defend the cases of truly stupid marketing. It was a valid issue for busy parents but the average parent doesn’t let Hollywood dictate to their children. My mother didn’t. I give parents more credit than a TV.

Michael Moriarty’s last sentence of his commentary was: “It is always Marxism's ultimate self-destruction to bite the hands that feed it.” That line probably caused half the town to wonder if he was drinking but it was stil cool to see someone jazz up people with a Big opinion.

Industry Notes, Take 6: Year 2000

September 2000: Went to Skybar for my birthday with Bebbles and David. It was raining but the tables on the deck were covered and we got one of them. Most people were in the drink cabin upstairs. A lot of girls, skinny and shivering, under sundresses and wraps. A lot of guys looking anxious, passionately discussing vague things and wearing the Matt Stone afro that's in vogue with the CE set. The hottest ‘type’ there at Skybar were the 40-ish power women, tough and exact, dressed in slacks and talking in the rain, smartly oblivious to the rain beading on their hairstyles. It’s really the older set in Hollywood that packs punch and decadence. The boomers are cool with me—the creative ones, not the bullshitter execu-dolts.

I saw Master P. and Joel Silver. I’ve submitted to both of them before for work. Joel Silver is easy to spot, stocky and coarse bearded. I’ll give him points for having an identifiable look that never changes. He doesn’t strike me as intimidating which may explain the infamy for being a telephone screamer. Our paths have never passed professionally. DMX is Joel Silver’s muse right now.

It was interesting to see who was there at Skybar but I wasn’t there to network. You’d be hard-pressed to network there anyway on a Friday night. There’s probably more movers and shakers at Birds on Franklin or the Cobalt Cantina as far as actual business going on. It is a hotel bar so there's an additional poseur element, but Skybar is more about ambience and city views. It's relaxing. A guest there named Cindy from Texas talked to us for a while and said everyone seemed so phony but she liked us. I told her it's not so much them being phony as some groups of people trying to look busy.

My little group had a good time and we'll go back in better weather. I have a wonderful, great person in B.B. who loves me with body and soul and that's the gospel truth. If I never acted again then that would be an irrelevant thing as far as BB and I having a soul-satisfying life together. We will be married.

Submitted to Suzanne De Passe at DePasse Entertainment. I gave her props in my cover letter and was selling myself as Rick James for a potential bio-flick. Rick James was thin but he was thick sometimes too and I’m down to 214 pounds. Mind you, I’ve heard of no Rick James projects anywhere but Mrs. DePasse was a prominent part of his ‘Behind the Music’ special.

Reading the trades today and L.A. Times’ business section. Jamie Foxx’s ‘Bait’ is projected to lose $19 million bucks. The critics savaged it and the trailer I saw was an unedited skit of Jamie fiending for shrimp. I guess he wanted to do his own ‘Enemy of the State’ and he’d gotten raves for ‘Any Given Sunday.’ I submitted for his planned variety show a while ago.


In general, the market is saturated with stupid blaxpo-comedies and how much can it withstand? It’s a free country but this business is so closed off and restricted as it is and there’s just trash getting made left and right. A lot of the leads need better management to more accurately predict the zeitgeist and what’s really going on and what is actually funny.

This n' That: January 17, 2010

1) Robert W. Welkos' coverage of the backstage press area at this year's Critics' Choice Awards is the kind of detailed reporting on the mood backstage that I miss from a lot of magazines. His report, available at hollywoodnews.com also has streaming video of Mo'Nique's unique backstage interview with the reporters. Her work in 'Precious' permanently got 'Soul Plane' out of my head- no small feat- and I thought she gave a brave performance.

Watch the clip here and stay tuned for when Mo'Nique's husband and business partner Sidney Hicks answers a question about her promotional history for the film. Sidney keeps it real about 'business models' and 'paradigms' and Mo'Nique's own responsibilities except Mo'Nique isn't the first black female to host a late night talk show. Somewhere Whoopi Goldberg likely said, 'Excuse me?' aloud to her computer screen.

2) The L.A. Gang Tours story as reported from the New York Times and The Australian.

3) From last week: Bryan Curtis's 'Good Riddance' story (via Daily Beast) on Conan O'Brien's losing 'The Tonight Show' stirred up things. I liked the article. I didn't watch either show, Leno or O'Brien, so I wasn't fervent, but I wonder if maybe Conan's appeal in the 11:30 slot, based on ratings erosion by the millions, is a case of majority rules.

It might not be fair, but it's more glaring when judged by the numbers. Hollywood likes numbers but Hollywood doesn't like bad numbers and even when the bad numbers are not your *fault* it's still a tough sell in the best of times and the messenger sometimes gets wet paint on his sleeve.

Conan O'Brien can be a funny guy; he put his time in and waited 5 years for the 'Tonight Show' gig but the media landscape is full of careers felled by lesser missteps and greater executive bait and switches. Interpretation isn't currency right now in the media economy; the big guns don't care what the comment boards say.

The bigger question than all of the personalities and tribal fussing, in my opinion, is: is the legacy of 'The Tonight Show' and 11:30 p.m. talk show programming becoming as quaint and outdated as other traditional media that have taken hits/lost revenue? Lots of quality, legacy forms of entertainment have lost audience revenue that may never match their former heyday: magazine closures, publishing woes and broadcast ratings are examples that attest to these unfortunate realities and maybe 'The Tonight Show' is becoming one of those examples. This industry is changing all the time and it may be entertaining to see the battle but it's sure not shocking.

Haiti News Story Links

The AP's report on some of today's moments in Haiti (Saturday, Jan. 16, 2010).

The tragedy as seen by the survivors of a nursing home collapse in Port-Au-Prince.

A blog entry from Shay Holland's Blot Your Lips with information on how to help an orphanage mission in Haiti by the TDA.

Wyclef Jean responds in 1:43 to doubts about his Yele foundation.

The Washington Post has a photo gallery of the earthquake aftermath in Haiti that helps one bear witness, albeit from a remove, a fraction of the incomprehensible. No words to describe it [graphic images].

The Mail Foreign Service shares photos of Haiti now.

How do you find this inner urge

And sudden power of life to surge

Into fresh bloom by morning light

Despite a long and chilly night?

- Early Bloom by Norman Olsson

My Heart Is Full : Corinne Bailey Rae's new song & Goodbye Teddy Pendergrass

1) Corinne Bailey Rae's 'I'd Do It All Again' is one of the only songs in recent memory that could make me cry every time I hear it. I could find the words but this post would go on for cybermiles. It's such a painfully beautiful song. Here is the link to the video and to her October 2009 Guardian UK interview .

2) Once upon a time, in the '70s, little kids had bedtimes and grown folks did what they do. One of their ambassadors was Teddy Pendergrass. Born in 1950, the same year as Stevie Wonder, it's hard to believe that a lot of his hits with Harold Melvin & The Blue Notes were sung by a man only 23, 24, 25 years old. Teddy could sang.

I'm not one of those kids who grew up thinking he was hot, only because he had a look like some of my friends' dads, the kind who'd pop you if you got on their nerves but I loved his music... even when he sounded mean! But with adulthood came the knowing shorthand of the Teddy songs and years later, when I interviewed his former collaborators and bosses Kenneth Gamble and Leon Huff at the Beverly Wilshire, this is the song I asked about. S-w-o-o-n.

Earthquake in Haiti: Fast Links

A quick shot of several links that contain some comprehensive ways to stay updated on the earthquake and aftermath in Haiti. The world is praying and helping with the unimaginable.

CNN's ireport.com page for the latest news/ first-person accounts in Haiti.

Google's Crisis Response page.

The Globe and Mail has a report and links on major social media outlets with updates on the Haiti crisis.

Industry Notes, Take 5: Year 2000

September 2000: 21 weeks of the SAG commercial actors strike. I’ve only shot one commercial in L.A. I don’t have the generic look that wins men commercials and I haven’t pursued it. My first solo photo shoot in Chicago, when I was 21, was with a photographer I’d sought out. He asked his subjects to bring photo albums so he could get a feel for your personality. I brought mine with me, he looked at it and told me after I’d given him the money for the shoot that I may as well go for a theatrical or TV ‘look’ because “you’ll never get commercials. I mean, you might get a beer commercial but you won’t be the one drinking the beer. You’ll be the one walking behind the guy drinking the beer.”

The photographer was very connected with a lot of the agents and they did a lot of referrals and that didn’t go over well with me. I told him he was a "photographer, not an agent and to just take the fucking pictures" and get the shoot over with. He tried to lighten the atmosphere with corny jokes and hammy banter but it was done. I was offended and pissed that he'd shot me down before we even started. I ended up picking the proofs he didn’t like, just on g.p.

Weeks later he died in a freak explosion in his house when an undetected gas leak combusted with the heat of the lighting and camera equipment. He was in the middle of a shoot when the flash pop ignited with the gas that'd been filling his brownstowne. His whole studio erupted into flames. I watched it on the news and I remember he had to be identified by his teeth that the firemen found in the ashes.

After that I never really pursued commercials. There’s enough resistance without choosing a market where I don’t see many people, if any, who look like me. Still, with the strike there’s no option or way that any of us actors are crossing the picket lines for work because too much is at stake. Also, I think you have a segment of commercial actors who are going to be shut down by the strike and never work again. It happens every time. It’s a byproduct of strikes in that it burns the fields and opens up a new crop. Some survive and some are done- for good- each time the strike ends and the dust settles on the new layout. People in the business for the long haul will not be stopped or limited. The strikes always raise the bar and put people out of business.

My agent has taken a hit in commissions and she wants to discuss business with me as far as staying or going with her. They want to pick my next headshot photographer and other controls I have a problem with. I can represent myself and get interviews for work, it never has failed. I’ve got a personal life that I’m living and loving and professionally I’m a performer who wants a couple of minutes in a room with another pro who sees what I can do.

All you need as an actor or person is a few seconds to use your power to ascend the droll treadmill and experience the more exciting aspects of life. I want to be able to experience the unlimited blessings that the Lord provides when you’re not too distracted by chaos or BS to notice. It’s a life lived creatively and generously; it’s a defensible choice.

Industry Notes, Take 4: Year 2000

Fall 2000: My weight loss has been something else. It's very pronounced in how my clothes fit now and they fit pretty well. I get told constantly that I'm losing weight and "look great" but there's a lot of physical and emotional pain behind the weight loss so I'm both flattered and self-conscious about compliments. I struggled with weight for years and it's so very ironic that I'm at my lowest adult body weight and I didn't even try. My doctor thinks it's gastric and I think it's stress. I've lost about 30 pounds.

Charles S. Dutton won an Emmy tonight for best director for 'The Corner' which is a sad and excellent miniseries. The New York Times ran a profile on Dutton and the making of that piece. It seemed to be a hard experience with racial tensions arising from his desire for a balanced crew, etc. I'm glad that everyone's turmoil and excellence resulted in a win.

Dutton had to stress that the characters were being acted and that the lead actors weren't real addicts. I hope Hollywood isn't that stupid: T.K. Carter has been around for decades and Khandi Alexander is known from NewsRadio and E.R. Give me a break. Obviously Dutton cared enough that they get their props, like a casting director would. Halle Berry won an Emmy for her portrayal of Dorothy Dandridge. It's the younger Emmy voters that don't have the same hang-ups that their parents do/did.

Bebbles bought me a typewriter for my birthday; a beautiful electric typewriter! I was excited and grateful. Writing is a constant for me. Acting is my passion. I need them. I loved the gift. A great gift from a great person. I'm going to make a fortune on it.

The SAG commercial actors strike is in its 21st week as of Sept. 21, 2000, which is plenty of time to think about career and things. I was thinking back to how starting in my early 20s I was always fearless in my career and work. I had a lot I felt I had to prove. I was always insulated by my work , my time put into it and the discipline of it. I hadn't been in love. I hadn't had to really deal with a big personal life because I was working all the time.

Then I moved to L.A. and and upped everything a notch. I didn't have the work right away to put me out there. I made the rounds; I was myself and more revelatory. Even when I thought I was poker-faced, people could still see emotions or pride struggles and that endeared me to people. Both sides became magnified: the defensive side and the kind side. I doubt there's much middle ground when it comes to me. You either think I'm a greatly kind person or you think I'm a hard-ass. I can live with that! This all came out of my commitment to being an artist and pursuing it.

But while I was fearless in my career I was not fearless in my personal life. I had to learn that when you feel like you've been hurt - and that if you're not fearless that you'll lose things or lose yourself - then you have to remember not to give in to despair. I didn't despair but there were lots of worries I could have given to God but I thought He had more pressing concerns. When I moved to L.A. I knew I'd have to start all over again career-wise. My spirit evened out more once I gained the ability to work my faith and know that I was not expected by God to bear every realistic or imagined danger when I wanted to take chances for greater scope in my life. I learned that if my faith and intentions were clear to me, then they were clear to God. I have no illusions about what is real and what matters.

Industry Notes, Take 3: Year 2000

August 2000: My driver asked me on the way to Sunset tonight, “Did you shoot a movie today?” I laughed. He took his eyes off the road and gave an evaluating look. He’s a few years older than I am and about 5’3. He told me he was married and I told him I am too. Drivers love to make small talk and then tell you about their wives. I’m sure it’s not a conscious decision, just maintaining machismo. They're all cool.

September 2000: Hiatus has been over and I found out that my agent didn’t ever contact the casting director Jaki Brown-Karman like she told me she did. What she said she’d do is a basic professional function and Jaki Brown-Karman is one of theleading black casting directors. Why say you’re submitting me as an agent and then not do it? I know the SAG commercial strike has cost agencies $200 million in bookings (those are pre-Memorial Day figures) and I know there are higher profile clients at my agency than I am, but nothing justifies lying to me. I could have submitted myself to Ms. Brown-Karman but the project is done now.

     I got a bite from a celebrity hairstylist who has done one of Farrah’s ‘Playboy’shoots, some shots for Janine (Lindemulder, from Vivid Video) plus one of Anna Nicole Smith’s shoots for Conair. He saw my headshot and offered to take me on for $175 a session (minus a $30 discount). He’s cool but I’ll stick with Bebbles. Bebbles got me out of the salon and does it now. Bebbles says to go for a sleeker look, more GQ and not as big.

     Wrote one of my first letters of appreciation today. One of the actors I've never met and respect so much is John Amos: an actor/philanthropist and still working in this business at 60 years old. He’s as much a hero to me as NFL greats were when I was a kid. He broke a lot of ground and was one of the first black fathers on television. I’m full of respect  for hisaccomplishments.

      In the early ‘90s he was honored at a theater I’d worked at that year in their pick- of- the -season show. Only two of us four lead actors were invited to the honors and I wasn't one of them (they gave us liquor instead as a gift, the next day for that bit of overhead money-saving. Mr. Amos is a great performer and I sent him a letter of appreciation to his production address. It was a brief letter and not a work solicitation. I never write letters like that but  it was old-school props and he inspires me to keep trying and trying harder.

     I can’t imagine the Hollywood that heroes like him and Paul Mooney had to traverse. It’s hard now, so just imagine the late '60s and ‘70s when they were starting. The '70s is where my Hollywood awareness came in. People act like it was easier then and maybe Hollywood wasn’t as corporate as it is now but it can’t have been easier for black talent. Even now, in the 21st Century, the sides are full of faux ebonics and penile entendres. That’s at  script level, before you meet anyone.

Industry Notes, Take 2: Year 2000

July 2000:   Another headshot mail-out today. My mass-mailing is next week. I’m not using my agency-representation stamp anymore (actually, they’re labels and not literal stamps). I haven’t gotten anything near the auditions with my agency that I was getting when I was doing it all myself. That’s the truth. I’ve given this  agency agreement nine months. I’ve never had a [work] dry spell this long until this. Granted, there are only about 6 major agencies that command industry priority – William Morris, ICM, CAA, and Endeavor are the biggest- and I'm not with one of the majors but even when I didn’t have management or agency rep I was working for months at a time. I won’t be renewing. If they get an attitude then they’ll have to find out what time it is and how late they are. The phase-out starts today. I’ll honor my pre-arranged time commitment but this is ridiculous.

August 2000: Looking at headshots in the Hollywood Reporter. Holly Hunter's is great; she looks beautiful and she’s a ferocious talent. Tom Green’s headshot is mostly unlit and shadowed. Is he only 28 years old? Well, it’s not like my headshot has my phone ringing this instant. I had new letterhead made and I’m not showing agency affiliation anymore, even if I do get thrown in the round file. The agency will get commission anyway so it’s my way now. Why the hell not? I’m still out there. Anything could happen.

     I’m here at work on Wilshire, on the underground pay phone hub and this big limo just passed me with a lot of pomp and funk. I made sure they got a good look, whoever they are. How pretentious to have a limo bring you to this cheesy locale. It took minutes for the gaudy thing to make it up the parking ramp. I see no reason why a Lincoln Town Car with limo tint wouldn’t have sufficed at 4:30 in the morning. *Sunshine Recording Studios* is on the second floor and that’s where they were headed.

     Coming back to the office and saw *Smack Hammond*, a supporting black actor in a sitcom that airs either on the WB or UPN. It had to be pointed out to me who he was, after the fact. He was out of make-up and had about 3 things going on with him that most of us could never get away with. I don’t know what Smack is making but between the two studios paying your ass you’d want to look less like you’re on house arrest. An actor I know was talking about his old job on a show on  the WB  where one of the leads was making $80,000 a week - in 1998. If the $80k brother flubbed a line, he’d refuse to do retakes. He’d say, ‘Fix it in post.” The crew and 98% of the actors had to just roll with it since they weren't making $320,000 a month. Everyone on the set had a different strategy and experience with that law of the land.

     I was submitted for a film through MGM, Zoetrope and United Artists. I talked to one of the production companies today and everyone was helpful and I was congenial. Whatever happens, there’s worse things than Francis Ford Coppola or Hal Hartley throwing your pictures away.

August 22, 2000: The Source Awards were supposed to tape tonight in Pasadena and some chaos happened and the venue had to evacuated so there was no ceremony. A $3 million dollar-budgeted show up in smoke. It’s the news on the streets and no one can believe what got wasted.

Industry Notes, Take 1: Year 2000

May 7, 2000: Terrence Trent D’Arby said he was a conduit for Marvin Gaye while recording his ‘Neither Fish Nor Flesh’ album. D’Angelo told ‘Rolling Stone’ that it took 5 years to make ‘Voodoo’ and also claims the Marvin-influence. D’Angelo was brave enough to say that ‘Voodoo’ is an audition for The Artist (Prince). The Artist, as of press time, hasn’t contacted D’Angelo. I think Prince and Marvin Gaye appeal to very soulful male artists with a lot of turmoil. Marvin- you want to protect from his dark side because he’s so beautiful the way he really is as a different and vulnerable brother. Prince-you just want to get in his head. Who really can say who Marvin and Prince deem haunt-worthy? For the price of their recordings, they haunt us all.

June 28, 2000: It’s necessary to keep a journal about my chosen industry and the challenges, successes, gripes and yikes that come with it. My life is so embedded with Hollywood as to seem inseparable (although for love it is) : I work in Hollywood over 40 hours a week, I live in the Franklin Hills, I met my mate in Hollywood. It’s an incredible place with incredible drama and lessons to be learned or else.

     This journal isn’t for posterity or to define Hollywood. Hollywood is a character. It changes and can only really be defined in hindsight, when it’s attached to the past or a moment. I write here because I’m starting my career in a new direction. The career obsession ends at my front door there because I won’t lose my heart’s desire, my mate, for industry. I am able to see practically and logically. This journal is free-form venting and it’s a document for myself as a testament to the Hollywood that I’m in and how I see it. My career has become relatively joyless business and I got into this business to create and not spend two years mostly mired in paper and business. Acting and writing is what I know how to do. The sublime and the flip side of this business wasn’t just invented..it exists. I observe. I work. No apologies. If it’s true then there’s no need to. Beginning….

July 2000: At work the other day reading ‘The Hollywood Reporter’ and David Robb had a story on the SAG strike. SAG president William Daniels made some reference to non-union talent as “limited and amateur.” Most of them, including me, would never cross the picket line and knows that every performer will benefit if actors get their way and the advertisers pay properly. I was not happy at all with Daniels painting with such a wide brush and making the everyday hustle that much harder. I wrote Daniels a letter, and cc’ed Dave Robb, and said, “If this is to become a pissing match between SAG/AFTRA and the ANA/AAA then please hit the correct target and don’t miss the bowl, thanks.” I make my money honest and I’m professional. I’m not spending and paying thousands in taxes on my career to be called a fucking hobbyist. It’s hard enough out here as it is and most of us are ethical. There's others with commercial endorsements who haven't had  the same devotion to the strike.

      A small correspondence debate today with one of the TV casting directors who is funding a New York talent search for pilot actors because New York talent is more (drum roll) “edgy.” Most people got pissed and said the casting director was a typically myopic casting executive. The casting director’s gist was that L.A. actors are too transparent with wanting to be discovered and are too showcasey. I thought that was hilarious. This same casting director came to one of my plays and it was not a show case.

     Even in  20 Questions which ran for months, none of us really got cast by casting people who were in the audience, mostly because, our curtain time at the theater wouldn’t mesh with any on-camera work. It was plain business and I also heard that directly from ‘General Hospital’s casting people. We had a contract to the stage show and none of us broke it for outside work. To pin a stigma on stage actors like we’re dime-a-dance courtesans is foul. Talent execs come to plays for free and some of them just grandstand during intermissions and cluck over their press packs. Who’s really showboating? I’ve been doing live theater for over 11 years and any casting or talent people I’ve worked for I’d met before they came to the show, not after. It wasn’t a tirade today but some of these people are in a bubble bordering on irrelevancy.

This n' That: January 6, 2010

1)The Washington Post has the news Tavis Smiley announces the end of 'The State of The Black Union'.

2) Stephen Witty's a tad pissy about Mo'Nique not picking up an award from the New York Film Critics Circle for 'Precious'. Note to Stephen: Mo'Nique wasn't a co-lead in 'Soul Plane'- she's in it and I wish I'd never had to see it but co-lead is overstating it a little. Hollywood Elsewhere has the story and the firestorm comments.

3) At least Mariah Carey picked up her award for 'Precious' in Palm Springs with some cheer! The AP story is here.

4) Via Romenesko's Twitter page and Techdirt.com's link is Pantagraph.com's cooling-off comment policy announcement on local story reportage.

5) Sharon Stone's planned four-episode 'Law& Order: SVU' guest appearance as seen through the Deadline Hollywood post and comments. Nikki's commenters are real Hollywood watercooler-talking and that's most of the fun. Chris Meloni did work on 'Oz' that I'd defy a lot of actors to pull off. I think Sharon will do fine.

L.A. 2000: Journals - Post #12

September 25, 2000: I turned 31 on the 20th. I’m here at work for the last night here in the Sunset Blvd. office. We’re relocating to Wilshire Blvd. in Koreatown.It'll be a good move but I'll miss the Sunset office. I spent all my breaks overlooking Marvin Gaye's studio that John McClain now owns. There's a basketball court there and where some inspired genius happened. One of our leads is readying for the move by working on the internet, laughing at nothing, high on ‘glass.’

October 2, 2000: Went to Queen of Angels for an x-ray at eight in the morning and noticed a former co-worker from the Sunset office, *Angel*. He looked vaguely familiar but then it clicked. He told a riotously vulgar, inside joke about the Sunset office, hugged my shoulder and laughed. We only worked together for a brief time. He was a good worker and very bawdy but didn’t last long. This was probably in 1998. His first words on a break when I was training him were that he was bisexual and had a daughter. We caught up briefly then he got called. Isn’t Hollywood small? People you haven’t seen in years just materialize. I’m there for an x-ray and he’s there for an upper g.i. and a colonoscopy and it’s ‘Hi! What's up?’

October 3, 2000: Reading a Unity book on faith and some of the finer points for eradicating fear were brilliant: Detect the fear, negate the fear and substitute faith and the power of Spirit for the fear. The fear then is gone and God has your back because you’re making stronger, bigger decisions instead of worrying and making cautious, tiny decisions. I don’t get afraid but I do lose ground when I’ve been disappointed and frustrated. I never forget God and His love but the calm and consideration that’s sometimes so hard to find can be expected from God, unconditional and constant.

October 4, 2000: Here at work with our IT dept. down, no service bureau, the TVs and the monitors not working. L.A. is like an insane asylum right now. There’s the MTA strike and the SAG commercial actor’s strike. The fear is palpable.

November 8, 2000: The Presidential election is still not over. It’s all hinging on Florida and we know how that is. Bush was declared the winner by NPR yesterday at 11:45 p.m. It could take 2 more days to know. It’s been a year of fucking cliffhangers; all that waiting. Of course the recount is of global conern but the delay is too nerve-wracking to pay complete attention to at this point. I voted and did my part.

November 15, 2000:  There’s still no President-elect.I feel a malaise, a true malaise, over this election. That so many millions of people could actually want the horrible part of the ‘80s back is a huge shock. It’s a very oppressive time right now in that this feels like a 20-year step back in time. I can’t dumb myself down.

   I’m at work and it’d be great to clock out and go home and plan my future. I told my co-workers tonight that some of us need to get new jobs because the next administration is going to hand entertainment its ass. Whoever makes President, I’m just going to save my money. Miniseries, anyone?

L.A. 2000: Journals - Post #11

August 14, 2000: I think the other reason the Democratic National Convention in L.A. has been funny is because politics are so tedious lately. It’s amazing to me how many people don’t write their own speeches. It’s acting! An industrial, maybe? I think reading words you didn’t write yet which are supposed to be your genuine platform and mindset renders some of the presentation false. If you’re an orator then you should be able to fucking write. How are you going to effectively make any changes or create policy if you can’t do it through the power of your own words?

  The 7/23/00 Sunday ‘New York Times’ reported that a 1/3 of Americans haven’t gone beyond high school. In 1999, college grads earned $20.58 an hour versus the $11.83 the high school grads earned. In the last 30 years there’s still a third of this country not graduating from higher education, if going at all. The college system today is fucked. I think it’s economically out of a lot of people’s reach. The latest statistics, from 1998, break it down this way as far as the percentages of highest education levels:

35% have 4 years of high school

24% have 1 - 3 years of college

24% have 4 or more years of college

  

   Those numbers are from the U.S. Census Bureau’s Economic Policy Institute. I found those numbers interesting. It’s unfortunate how much of a caste system becomes apparent between those with college and those without. The middle management fluff that higher education is churning out these days towers over the superstars, if you ask me. I went to college but making money as an innovator would be the ultimate. College is wonderful, in general, but liberal arts sure isn’t a guarantee of a higher wage.

August 23, 2000: It’s my ‘Friday’ on this Wednesday and I want to get off work and get into the weekend with Peaches (Bebbles). Bebbles is coming up with better software strategies at work everyday. We’ve had a rocky week. Bebs is on the fast-track at work and both exhilarated as well as overly fixated on buying power. Bebbles wants a completely refurnished condo, a brand new car and can be a real melancholy pill when reality settles and dawns that it can’t all be done this instant.

   We’re very close and want each other completely but my stomach is already in knots from what I assume is outside stress. I’ve lost 30 pounds in 8 months and my physical was fine but I’m nauseous practically every day. We just need peace, first and foremost. Hollywood is already one thing and we need our refuge to not be heavy with pointless dissatisfaction. I want peace and normalcy at a time when we’re poised for great things – it’s scary and exciting- but we need to be able to breathe. All Bebbles has to do is chill out. Otherwise we’ll be a corporation and not a couple. Refurnished places that mean nothing happen everyday.

 U.S. Census Bureau Quick Facts page

New York Times

L.A. 2000: Journals - Post #10

July 27, 2000: Bebbles just left the bedroom with a pointedly slammed door. It was a pretty comical dispute. We were working out a huge itinerary tomorrow that ends with a benefit on Observation Drive. Bebbles panicked about what to wear. I explained that it’s a Western-style motif at the party—Arizona chic—and that dress casual is fine. That led into why I don’t wear dress pants and I said I don’t even know what my waist is now in dress pants and it’ll be hard to get a tailored fit at the last minute. My patience is slim enough that I wouldn’t be up for a fitting.

   I paid Bebbles a compliment on their taste and offered to buy their shoes for the night and was asked to “please not get me generic shoes.” (!?!) Me, Karl, who wore church shoes on the basketball court in the summer of 1980 rather than wear Trax after a dog ran off with my Jox hi-tops? I went on a rant that I never buy generic shoes, got shushed, and then I got the last word by saying, “I don’t buy cheap shoes for myself so why would I skimp on my Boo Snickens?” Actually, my last words were, “You don’t listen.” I said it very naturally, like ‘Look at that painting.’ That broke down all communications and Bebbles ignored me, hence the door slam and I think it’s funny because I’m right!

   I don’t care about being right but I do care about unfounded concerns. Why would I dress myself or us in anything not the bomb and hooked up? So why express the fear? Bebbles surely has other things to think about than the million-to-one chance that I’ll buy them cheap shoes. We’ve been together for 14 months so sometimes you have to think like ‘Let’s get this thing straight’ rather than step over sleeping dogs. We annoyed each other tonight. We’re mature. We’ll go to the benefit and be able to be friendly.

August 14, 2000: The Democratic National Convention is in L.A. It’s pretty funny how there’ve been these rush-job improvements to make L.A. look more …clean. L.A. is decadent and scuzzy, last-minute cosmetic wizardry won’t fix it. I think there’s going to be a lot of petty hook-ups happening in town as the cul-de-sac ug-mo’s try to live it up and power fu*k. That’s regular behavior here so why try to dress it up like it’s the state fair? Downtown traffic was bumper to bumper at 11:30 p.m. on a Monday night.

L.A. 2000: Journals - Post #9

July 4, 2000: A co-worker and I were on a break at work, across the street from the Hollywood Athletic Club on Sunset Blvd. [now known as SoCal & Blvd. 3]. The club was closed and two SUVs full of passengers started beefing in their parking lot and doing donuts on Sunset Blvd., firing semi-automatics at each other. Luckily there were no other cars on the road and this was at 3 in the morning.

   Within nanoseconds there were bullets spraying near us and I mean close by… the mortar from the bricks above me  were pulverizing and concrete was flying into dust. I ducked behind a cement planter, like what the fuck? Scary, but I was calm. It was insane and surreal. I  shouted to my coworker Gabrielle to keep down on the ground where she was. I waited for the shots and tire squeals to subside and grabbed her.

   We went around the side of the building. More gunshots went off and a straggler drug addict on Schrader ducked to the ground with us and warned us about skyward bullets being just as deadly coming down. It was some crazy shit. We called the police and they were nowhere to be found. I said, “I got stopped at this same corner for a stop sign blocked by a Humvee three weeks ago and there were cop cars everywhere and now there’s gun shots flying and there’s no cops anywhere?”

   It was over moments later, the dueling SUV-loads gone elsewhere. This is a part of Hollywood that has some of the biggest industry events and recording studios happening. For that moment, it felt like a set: a set I’ve been on for three years and I have to get to the next level. It’s like a video game, starting at this same starting point every night hoping to score enough industry points to get to the next board. It’s like 'The Truman Show'. I know the industry works on attrition and it can take years at the same starting point until synergy ratches you up to the next thing. It has got to happen  soon -and I can’t give up my place in line- but it’s the kind of desire and frustration that pains your stomach and clenches your jaw. I’m determined.

July 18, 2000: I’m probably the lowest weight I’ve been since I was 20 years old. It’s stress. Physically, it took no effort at all. Emotionally, it did. I could barely eat, simple as that. I was with my friend David at Fatburger the other night and took the tomato off of my sandwich- it wasn’t ripe enough and had a core that was inedible- and David yelled at me, “You’re anorexic! Look at that, you can’t even eat a tomato! It’s ridiculous!” I talked him down and told him, honestly, that’s not true. It was just a gnarly, gross tomato but I know how it came across. It’s just hard to eat these days. It hurts. I was already tested for an ulcer and don’t have one. It could be food allergies.

   One of my favorite co-workers, *Harlow*, came back to work on Sunset. She’s one of my favorites. She reminds me of one of those Busby Berkley dancers, super exuberant and 1930s-style. She was an actress and exotic dancer and has beat her addictions. She'd beat them before she left the gig but was feeling burned out. The second she saw me tonight she came running into my chest and gave me a big hug. “Write me a note!” she said, like it was yesterday that we last talked. I hope things work out for her this time. She’s a great artist and can draw beautifully. We’re the same age but I think her prior excesses have cooled her ambitions. She kicked drugs, enjoyed her own company and made it work with her boyfriend. It made my night to see her.