L.A. 2000: Journals - Post #4

Note: Brittany Murphy's death today is sad news. I didn't know her and my only interactions with her were professional, mostly through The Hollywood Reporter. There's been plenty of assumptions and inside leanings as to what happened to cause her death at the age of 32. I saw her as a whirling dervish of her own accord, the same kind of put-on-a-show zaniness that she showed in 'Uptown Girls' and some of her print interviews. She seemed to be someone with an innate passion for her work and talent. I am sorry to hear the news and wish her family and friends nothing but healing and endurance. - Karl 12/20/09



February 5, 2000: I’ve been getting to relax and slow down. I didn’t get the Brighton Beach play. It’s okay. I’ve got some security and it’s been great to have relief from general pressure and stress. I talked to my Mom yesterday. She thinks I’m working too hard. She gave me good advice: about not being so macho and ‘declaring’ everything. She said that instead of making declarations, I should just be quiet and let people’s behavior tell the tale instead of declaring what I’m going to do first. [2009 note: lesson learned and kept! Great advice to get when you're 30!]

February 8, 2000: Took an honest, personal Q&A session today for myself. One of the questions was: Do you complain often of ‘feeling bad’ and, if so, what is the cause?

I wrote out a full answer but the gist was that I don’t phrase things with ‘I feel bad’ but when I do feel bad it’s usually from feeling either misunderstood or undervalued by those that I extend the benefit of any doubt to. The Hollywood game has made me feel bad often out of frustration: that there are some people – in offices- who don’t even know how to conduct business. I have to follow protocol and they don’t. I long for cohesion.

February 10, 2000: A great day. L.A. has been an incredible lesson in kissing the notions of security goodbye. The thrill of the pursuit of an important station in the creative community here in Los Angeles lies in understanding how limited and temporary security can be. You could be on contract to a soap for $200k and be secure; be unemployed for 2 years and then go on to make $2 million in three years on a sitcom and be more than financially secure and on and on. It’s limitless.

When you’re trying to do your work and add your contributions, you can’t be held down by problems or negativity designed to take you down. For me, I’m public in my effort and work and I’m private when I’m not working. You can’t fight what others project onto you. You can’t control the adjectives: “Karl/That guy is _fill in the blank_______.” I can’t fill in the blanks for what others will say, whether I’m regarded as the epitome of cool or a silly lightweight hungry for attention or anything in between. I don’t have to take that on but I do have to recognize the reactions that are out there. I’m an actor. I play real people. I get the privilege, when it is afforded, to take on characters and make them vivid. It’s my job to be able to assess what people and the market are ready for. I can represent a lot of people. I want to be that person who seeks art and excitement in his life and puts it out there. That is one of my ambitions.

The other ambition is to have an exciting, thrilling life grounded by a loving partner and a sense of duty (within reason!) to others. It’s a balance. I work hard. I make my day-job $4,000 in eight hours and that’s just their take. It’s time for other things, too.